I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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