i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
