Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
