I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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