When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Alive.
So much puke
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
