Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
