Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
