Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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