dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
