I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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