What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
