I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
