You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
