The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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