What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
