Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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