I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
