I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize