He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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