It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
