I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
