i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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