finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
