Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm at about main and main street
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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