All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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