so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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