When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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