You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
