Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
