I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
