My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
