my phone needs a breathalizer
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
