You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
