Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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