he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
