Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
