Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
