next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
