I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
