We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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