I met the friendliest cop last night
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
