Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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