fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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