she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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