just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
