He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize