I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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