On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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