found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I deserve this hangover.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
