I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
