Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
