Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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