whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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