i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
